Puck Bunny
by Porcia
Summary: Bella is a sheltered, rich, spoiled girl who feels as though the whole world is weighing down on her shoulders as she starts her journey into adulthood. Her father is a selfish and self-obsessed NHL coach. She meets someone who is as lost as her..a rookie
1. California Dreaming

No one ever denied me anything. I'm not too sure why, but I've never questioned it. My father, Charlie, was a legend. Was a God. To them, Charlie Swan was untouchable. To me, Charlie Swan was the shell of a father who regarded parenting as a financial investment.

Charlie Swan was hockey royalty. His father had been the best hockey player of his time, and then he had been the golden boy of the sport. Today, my father was owner and head coach of the New York Rangers, one of the best hockey teams in the National Hockey League, with 3 Stanley cups under their belt, this meant that I had everything that I wanted. A pony for my 7th birthday? No problem. Sold out concert tickets? Sure, how about we make them backstage passes. The best schools, the best restaurants, the best car for my 16th birthday, the best clothes, and the best life a 20 year old girl could ask for.

But the pony was to make up for him missing my birthday, the concert tickets were for missing my dance recital, the car came with a card as he couldn't make it, and the rest just seemed so trivial. I love the way I live my life, and I am grateful for the luxuries that I can afford… I just wish that I had a father instead of money. I wish that I could be someone to him, and live my life with an actual family. But now, I was an adult, enrolled at NYU, living in this amazing penthouse loft: truly the best piece or real estate in the city, and yet, so terribly alone.

When you live a life of wealth and power, you have to be wary of those around you. This wariness has kept me isolate my entire life. Since I was very young, my father had instilled this notion in me that only my extended hockey family was trust-worthy; my mother had ran off with a baseball player, and therefore could not be trusted. The only people that I could fraternize with were the hockey players, the other coaches and other General Managers. I was to stay away from the hockey wives and puck bunnies, as most of them were money-hungry glorified sluts who would not give a second thought about taking advantage of a poor little girl like me.

So, choosing to stay away from the fist fights, testosterone-loaded world of hockey, I isolated myself in my studies and art, hoping to one day own a gallery of sorts and to separate myself as much as possible from sports and business… doing everything in my power not to become my father. And I guess, hanging out with all these big macho hockey players eventually took it's toll on a girl; the novelty of being the boss' daughter often brought up awkward situations and propositions, and as much as they often became my big protective brothers, there's only so much that a 'proper young lady' can take before she starts farting, burping and scratching a metaphorical ball sack.

Other than the 'boys', I had hardly any experience with men. It wasn't because of the lack of opportunities; I was often told that I was beautiful, and I was often propositioned by boys in High School, and random frat boys in University... I guess I was just never propositioned by the right boys.

I'm sure there's something to be said about being 20 years old, rich, and still a virgin... heck, in the back of my head, I'd always said that I'd join the church if I wasn't deflowered by the age of 21. To me, it seemed pathetic, and made me feel undesirable, ab-normal. As though being a virgin meant that no man could love me, and then, in turn, made me feel like I couldn't for the life of me _commit _or be physically attracted to a man. Well, there were certainly moments where I was _very much_ attracted to various men, but it never escalated to that searing heat that traveled my body... it was more of a numbness, as though my instincts were holding me back, or, alternatively, telling me to just get it done and over with.

Mostly, though, I wasn't so concerned about the sexual tension that racked my body... I worried about the loneliness that plagued my every thought. That haunted my nights alone in my apartment. That tore me apart whenever I saw couples holding hands as I did my morning run through central park. That absolutely destroyed me when I braved romantic novel or movie.

Part of me, sometimes, thought to turn to the 'boys' of the team for company... perhaps I could accompany them when they went out to clubs together, when they celebrated wins, and when they went out to 'get over' loses. But most of the new players were married, not my type, or incredibly foreign.

But it was rookie time. New recruits were coming into the extended hockey family.

And I never even saw _him_ coming.


	2. Really, now?

"To the new members of our family!" My father declared, raising his glass of wine, toasting the members of of 'Hockey Family', or, as I like to call them, his 'important family'. The room was filled with coaches, medics, trainers, hockey players both old and new, their wives or girlfriends, and a choice of important investors. Over a hundred people made up this 'tight-knit' group. These were the parties that I could not avoid; they were instrumental to whatever relationship I had with my father, and kept up appearances in front of those he thought mattered. Needless to say, I know that the players knew. The boys had seen our interactions more than anyone else, and had seen how my father regarded me as an employee.

They had seen him act as though he was merely my coach, not my father. There were rumours, and I hadn't been spared; the hockey wives would shush when I would approach, the boys would crease their eyes and give me _that look. _And tonight was no different. I found myself quickly surrounded by the boys, by these big oafs that fiercly protected me, because, afterall, I was the boss' daughter, and even if my father was the only thing that we had in common, they were the closest thing to brothers or friends that I had.

"You know, Bella, you could at least try to smile a little bit." Ah… good old McCarty. Emmett McCarty has been playing with the Rangers since the beginning of his career, 7 years ago. He came to the team at the age of 19, right out of the juniors, he has always been my father's favorite, and one of the star players, because wether you like to admit it or not, the goalie is one of the most important players. And Emmett was one though goalie, best in the league. We were fairly close, he and I, probably because of all the time we spent together when he first joined the team, my father had taken him in with him, and helped him get his bearings in the crazy world of professional sports, so we'd had time to bond, and if there was one person that knew who I was, it would be him, the 26 year old womanizing stud.

"Shouldn't you be off chasing tail or something, McCarty?" My response was borderline acerbic, but he knew that I meant nothing of it, and simply wanted him off my back.

"Ouch, ducky, that's not very nice" He pouted at me, placing his hand over his heart.

"Oh, please McCarty, she's right, you should be getting your dick sucked or something. It's been what? 6 hours?" Ahh… Jasper Whitlock, the team's golden defenseman. This Texan sweetheart was one of the softest men I knew in the game, and yet, I didn't know one person who dared to cross him. He had the highest penalty count in the entire National Hockey League, and, along with McCarty, was a known lady killer.

"It's been 4, actually, and you're absolutely right. I do need me some woman. Shall we head off to the clubs after this shindig?" Emmett toned down his loud, rumbling voice to avoid detection by my father; while it wasn't outlawed completely, partying and excessive drinking were severly frowned upon, something that Emmett knew too well.

"Well, my good man, I like the way you think!" Jasper obviously felt that the start of a new season was a great reason to begin their usual shenanigans.

"Bells?" Emmett looked at me, as though he expected me to join him.

"First off, I'm underage. Secondly, I don't want to go out with you guys and watch some tramps hump your legs. Thirdly, I don't think daddy dearest would like that too much." I couldn't help it if watching them _work their magic_ was not sounding very appealing to me at the moment.

"Aw, come on, Bells, you know you can get in, and you know that we wouldn't leave you all alone for some girls!" Jasper was trying to convince me.

"Yeah, that was only once!" Emmett tried to reason.

"Boys. Tell you what. Find a way to ensure me a good time, and I'll join you on your stupid self-serving mission. Fail, and I go home and sleep." There we had it, the perfect way to get out of this. They'd undoubtedly pick some lame club, and try to lure me with some lame promise of getting me 'proper smashed'.

"Fine. It's on." Emmett accepted my challenge.

I rolled my eyes as the pair of them ran off, leaving me alone at the table, staring at the nearly empty glass of wine.

My father was at the next table, talking to some investors, probably discussing what type of new plan he had for the venture.

I looked at my glass of wine once more, before finishing it in one sip. I quickly filled myself another glass, trying to remember how many glasses of wine I'd had to date.

"You know, these parties get so dull so quickly." A perky voice spoke beside me. I turned my head, raising an eyebrow at his short, pretty girl who had stolen Emmett's seat.

"Oh?" I asked, wondering who this girl was, and why the hell she was sitting at my table.

"I'm Alice, John Brandon's daughter. The new physiotherapist? He dragged me to this snooze fest so that I could get to know the 'Hockey family'." She rolled her eyes as she explained her predicament.

Her father had come to join us from Detroit, and had been holding out for this position for quite a while.

"I'm Bella Swan." I held out my hand for her, finding myself unable to be mean or cold with this ball of energy.

"Oh, I know all about you. You're the hockey princess. The boys back in Detroit talked about you." I knew this was coming. I had made the mistake of showing some mild interest in the Red Wing's star forward.

"Did they, now?" I questioned, trying to see how much of an impression their words had left on her.

"Oh, please, you and I both know that hockey boys are all big brutes. If you really did punch him, then good on you, sister! Black is one huge pain in the ass, and hits on anything with tits." She smiled at me, something that I wasn't expecting. Most girls would either see green, or pass me off as a slut. This Alice didn't seem to have a bad bone in her body.

"Yeah, that he is. I still can't believe that I let it go that far." I laughed, feeling at ease with Alice.

"So I hear that you're in your third year at NYU? I just transferred to Parsons to be closer to my dad, plus…. It's Parsons!" Of course she'd be at Parsons. That Stella McCartney dress was absolutely stunning. You had to love fashion to dare a Stella.

"Oh, Parsons! Very nice, Alice!" I congradulated her, as it was, truly, a feat.

"I know, right? It's been my dream for so long, and three years at FITM, was just not cutting it! Plus, I missed the cold, and my daddy." She looked at him lovingly across the room, where he was talking with a few hockey wives.

A small part of me- Okay, a big part of me was jealous about the close relationship that she seemed to have with her father.

"Well, well, well, what do we have here?"

Jasper was back.

"Jasper, this is Alice, Alice, this is Jasper." I introduced them sourly, upset that Jasper showed interest in her. Now, they'd fuck, and he'd never speak to her again, and she'd never speak to me again, simply for the fact that I was friends with Jasper.

"I know." Her eyes hadn't left his. She extended her hand, and he kissed it. Wow, he was really laying it on thick.

"Oh, have you two met before?" I wondered, trying to think back if Jasper had ever mentioned meeting Brandon's daugher.

"No, we haven't." Jasper's voice twanged, his eyes still not leaving hers.

"Right." I tore my eyes off them, and searched the room for an exit. I was not comfortable with this awkward situation. Watching a girl that I could be friends with, fall for the charms of Whitlock? Not my cup of tea.

"Bella, sweetcheeks. You're coming with us, tonight!" Emmett's loud voice boomed in my ear.

"What?" I turned to him, wanting nothing more than to crawl into my bed and hide under the covers.

"You can't say no anymore, because we got you a date." He laughed, pointing at the other side of the room.

Edward Cullen.

Our new forward.

Edward Cullen, just scouted.

22 years old.

Stunning.

Fuck.

Me.


	3. Friends don't let friends fuck drunk

"Listen Emmett, I just really don't think that I should go out tonight..." I couldn't really come up with a good argument on the spot. Fuck. This is what I did everyday, I bullshat, why the fuck couldn't I come up with a good lie now?!

"Oh! You guys are going out tonight?" Alice's eyes were suddenly wide open, obviously not opposed to going out on the town herself.

"No, they are going out. I'm going home after I can sneak out of here." I would leave no room for argument.

"Nonsense, you should be a most gracious host, Isabella, and help us show Alice the sights of the city!" Jasper and his stupid fucking shit eating grin managed to somehow corner me. Fuck. There was no way that I could escape this.

And then, right at that moment, Edward Fucking Cullen saunters over to us.

His reputation was less than solid. He was the hot commodity of the league, and I knew just how hard my father had to fight to get him to sign. He was good, and he knew it. The amount of money of his bonus signing check and his annual salary was proof of that... But of course, he would be worth every penny.

The only thing that irked me, that had me unsettled, was that his reputation of a womanizer was very much implanted in my mind. Every little puck bunny wanted a piece of him, they all wanted a way in to 'the circle'... And he was their chosen ticket. I had been hearing rumors of his devastatingly large ego, his penchant for fake tits, and his -- er... stamina.

Edward Cullen made me think things that shouldn't even cross my mind. While I'm not completely inexperienced, a small part of me, okay, a large part of me, wanted him to preform those tricks I heard that he had up his sleeve. He was one of the most attractive men that I'd ever seen, and the pictures did him no justice. This was big. _Huge_. I could not afford this. This was really, really bad.

God, I could just see it now; my father, the rest of the guys. No. No, this wouldn't happen. Too much in my controlled life was at stake. It would fuck with the orders of things. I had already made a huge mistake once... Argh, Jacob Black. But I wouldn't do this. This was worse than sleeping with the enemy. Or, fooling around with the enemy. This was... Worse than high treason.

"Not trying to bail out, are you?" Oh my God, his voice. Goosebumps ran up my entire body. Shit. That husky voice. He was doing this on purpose, isn't he? Of course. He knows how to play a woman. God, he should just quit hockey and become a professional seducer. A professional fucker. Oh God, Bella, get a grip.

"Uhm... No?" Wow. Smooth, Bella.

"Yes, she _is_ trying to bail on you, Cullen." Emmett decided to throw me to the wolves. Like I'd ever do him any more favors. He was cut the fuck off.

He was looking at me, appraising me. As though I was about to be shipped off to Christie's. His eyes were beautiful. And that beautiful bronze hair through which I wanted to tangle my fingers. I wanted to see that hair between my legs as he... GET A GRIP, SELF!

"Do you really want to leave me all alone tonight, Swan?" It was as though the more he talked, the more honey dripped from his voice. His voice could literally make a woman fall apart. And, then, I got it. He was playing a game. He was full-out teasing me.

"Oh, Cullen, sweetheart, I know you may not be used to it, but it's okay. You'll survive. And no, it won't fall off if you don't use it." I winked at him, letting him know that I was very much capable of not only defending myself, but of engaging in this teasing game.

I was vaguely aware of Emmett's loud laughter beside me, and of Alice's giggles. But I just could not rip my eyes away from his beautiful green eyes. His eyes twinkled a bit before his lips cured into a smirk. An arrogant smirk. Fuck this, I wouldn't let this self-assured bastard anywhere near my vagina. No fucking way.

"Right, so, Cullen, this is Bella, Bella, Cullen, Cullen, this little lady right here is Alice." Jasper spoke, putting his arm around the back of Alice's chair. Marking his property. I had to resist the urge to role my eyes.

"Lovely to meet you, Alice." Cullen stuck out his hand to her.

I turned my attention to Emmett who had a huge smile plastered on his face, looking at me, amused.

"What?" I mouthed.

He shook his head at me, his shoulders bouncing up and down as he chuckled. Typical.

Alice, Jasper and Edward was talking about New York City and the things all the sights that there were a must to visit. I let out a loud sigh, choosing to stare at my nails, feigning disinterest. I won't lie, I was a little pissed that when Jasper introduced us, he omitted to talk to me. Sure, it was _lovely_ to meet Alice, but nope, nothing for Bella Swan.

Was I really doing this? Were these thoughts really going through my head? Argh, this is what these events do to me. Who the hell am I?

"Bella?" Emmett broke me from my thoughts, touching his hand to my shoulder. I shrugged him off me quickly, sincerely not in the mood to be touched.

"What do you want, McCarthy?" Oh great, I had resorted to the Ice Queen voice.

"We're heading out." His eyes were black, and I could tell he didn't appreciate the tone. Deal with it.

I sighed loudly, grabbing my clutch from the table, and stalking right the fuck out of this miserable 'party'. My father was waiting at the doors, looking at me sternly.

"Isabella, off so early?" He was using his big boy voice. I could tell that he was none too please by my early departure. I hadn't noticed Jasper, Edward, McCarthy and Alice following me towards the exit.

"Don't worry, coach, Bella's just going to help Whitlock and I show these two the New York City sites." Emmett was trying to alleviate my father's reproachful look, I know, but now I was pretty much roped into attending this thing.

"Hm... I see. If a single one of you misbehaves, and I hear about it, it won't be pretty." His voice was threatening. He gave the five of us a look before stalking towards a group of investors, putting on a suddenly happy mask.

"Sure boss, whatever you say!" I said it loud enough for Emmett to hear. He placed a comforting hand on the small of my back.

"Let's head out, compadres!" Jasper was pushing us out the door.

A limo was parked outside for me, and we all just shuffled in. The separator between us and the driver buzzed down.

"Where to, Miss Bella?" Fuck... Where to?

"The Marquee, please, Jean!" I decided that dancing was going to be on the menu tonight.

Jasper reached over Alice to the mini fridge, grabbing a bottle of champagne and flutes.

We toasted to the night, before knocking back our drinks. I was already on my third glass, very much aware that I was probably exaggerating a bit. But Edward didn't help. He was sitting beside me, and his thigh was rubbing against my skin, my short dark blue silk dress doing nothing to protect me from the contact.

I reached over, grabbing his tie, loosening it from his neck.

"Loose that shit, we're going to party, we're not burying your grandmother." I was rude, but after that stunt he pulled back at the party, there was no way that I could be nice or even forgiving. I stared at his fingers as they removed the tie, tossing it across the limo. I looked up to meet his eyes. He was staring at me, his stupid cocky smirk plastered on his face again. I made a point to roll my eyes at him, turning towards Emmett who was sitting there, a goofy grin on his face, laughing at me.

The limo finally came to a stop, and we made our way into the club, the bouncer smiling at us, and letting us in, not even checking our IDs.

Some loud hip hop music was blasting throughout the club

We made our way to an roped-off banquet on the second floor, where one of the promoters had set up shop with his friends. Upon seeing us arrive, however, they all scattered, leaving us with a comfortable banquet.

I took a seat next to Alice, watching as Jasper signaled over a bottle of something. Edward shoved himself in beside me, yelling over the music to Jasper and Emmett, the three of them bonding.

Alice and I chatted while the drinks kept coming; vodka, champagne, tequila, whatever the guys were ordering. I found myself getting pretty damn drunk. We were leaning against one another, giggling messes, laughing about anything and everything.

Jasper, at some point, swooped in to ask Alice to dance, charming her. It was only then that I noticed that Emmett had run off somewhere, and it was only Edward and I left. Shit. He looked good. His white dress shirt had gotten all crumpled, and his sleeves had at some point, gotten pushed up past his elbows. And, sweet jesus... Those forearms.

He smiled at me before leaning in to my ear...

"Dance with me, Isabella." God, I hated that name, but it sounded so good when he said it.

I drew my face back from him, raising an eyebrow. I quickly weighed the pros and cons in my head before deciding that I was entirely too drunk to give a shit.

He grabbed my hand, sending all these funny little tingles throughout my body. We made our way to the dance floor, right when the DJ put on a remix of Marilyn Manson's Tainted Love. Shit. I love this song.

I'm not sure if it was the alcohol. I'm not sure if it was the sudden inspiration that come from my dance partner, but I started to run the show. I turned myself from him, holding our intertwined hands above my head, before twisting his arm behind his neck, and pushing my back against him. I started to roll my hips to the beats, trying to press as much of my body on him as possible. I let go of his hand, moving it slightly to grab onto his perfect fucking bronze hair. His hands reached down to my hips, aiding and guiding my hips to meet his sways perfectly. He leaned his head to my neck, which I craned back against him, tossing my long brown hair to the side. I could feel his breath on my neck. There was a tension in the air, and the people around us no longer mattered, only us. Only how good he felt against me. How hard his dick was getting against my back. How suddenly, I just _needed_ to have him. His hands, still griping my hips, turned me to face him. His eyes found me automatically, just as the DJ starting playing some Vitalic, and I pressed my tits against his broad chest, my arms circling his neck. He leaned his head to my neck once more, panting against my neck. His hands suddenly thrust my hips into him as he moaned into my ear. I managed to let out a "Fuck" at this new contact. I could feel him erection pressed up so hard against me, and my entire body was trying to let me know just how happy it was at the contact.

And then, he really sent me over the edge. His lips attached themselves to my neck, and started to lick and suck on my skin, focusing on my pulse point. My eyes rolled to the back of my head, and my right leg made its way up to his hip, grinding my center all over him. He let out a groan against my skin, the vibrations feeling amazing. That and the loud pulses from the music were just about to seal the deal for me.

Of course, Emmett chose this morning to tap Edward on the shoulder, flanked by a blonde and a redhead.

"Whitlock and Alice already left, and I'm heading out with these two. I'll see you at practice." He yelled at Edward, before looking at me, nodding his head in recognition and turning with his two giggling messes.

Just then, the DJ started playing some heavy hip hop song, and our hips moved apart, his hands loosening on my hips. We stared at one another, standing still in the middle of the dance floor, suddenly aware of people bumping into us.

He made a small gesture of his head, and I nodded. Let's get out of here.

He grabbed my hand, pulling me towards our booth, where I grabbed my clutch while he took care of the tab. We got into the Limo that was conveniently still waiting outside, sitting across from each other, staring at one another.

The partition slid down.

"Where to-"

"Home, Jean." I cut him off.

The tension in the limo was palpable. We were both breathing heavily. I kept staring at his chest, and his arms, his cheek bones. My eyes just devoured him.

After what seemed like an hour, we pulled up to my penthouse at 145 Hudson, the doorman was already opening the door to the limo.

"Miss Bella." He greeted me.

We hastily made our way to the elevator, still standing at opposite ends. Staring at one another.

My earlier resolve to not do anything with him had been completely erased. There was no way that I was letting this man escape my grip. I searched through my purse, looking for my key. The doors opened on the lobby, and I quickly slid my key into one of the two doors. Welcome to my place... One of the most luxurious in the city. Daddy was good for something. Or, at least, him being a multi-millionaire helped.

"Jesus, Isabella. This is..." Edward was looking around through the foyer; I had a few paintings hanging, mostly contemporary works.

"Champagne?" I asked, walking to the kitchen, opening up the huge Sub-Zero fridge, fumbling around, looking for that damn bottle of Moet.

His hands gripped me from behind, turning me into his arms, gripping a bottle in my right hand. He looked at me, his green eyes suddenly darker. Oh, I'm going to enjoy this.

His lips were suddenly on mine, and I suddenly couldn't get enough. My arms wrapped around him, still gripping the bottle. His hands made their way down to my ass, gripping tightly, sending shivers right down to my bones. My head was starting to spin, clearly I needed to breath. I started to pull away, placing small kisses on his lips. Mmm, cinnamon. Must be from the Goldshlagger shots.

"Bedroom?" I somehow managed to slip out.

"Bedroom." His voice sent a tingle right down to my spine, and I had to hold back a moan.

I reached above his shoulder, to the center island's glass rack, getting my hand on two flutes. He grabbed the bottle from my hand as I led him through the living room, stopping only to put music on the surround system that played throughout the entire place. A massive attack mash up started playing, and I thanked my lucky stars that I had been listening to a nice seductive playlist while getting ready.

I dragged him up the spiral staircases, almost losing my footing more than once due to the alcohol. His hands found their way to my waist, stopping me from falling down. We made our way to the top, before he pressed me up against the wall in the hallway, kissing my neck.

"This way." I practically ran to my bedroom at the end of the hallway. I made my way through the open door, running to the bed just as he came running in, his eyes almost black.

"Tsk, Tsk, Tsk, Isabella." He came towards me, and I quickly put the flutes on the bedside table, before sitting back on the edge of the mattress. He walked towards me, closer and closer, setting the champagne on the table with the flutes, before crawling over me on the bed like a predator. I moved back, leading him to the middle of the bed.

"Stop moving away, Isabella." He growled, his hands fisting the material of my dress.

"Bella." I took his face in my hands, trying to make him see that I meant it.

He was confused.

"My dad calls me Isabella. It's Bella." I was trying my hardest to have an even voice, and to not fumble on my words. Assertive, Bella, assertive!

A smile spread across his face. Not his cocky smirk, no. This one was enough to make my legs turn to jello.

"Bella..." he purred, attacking my neck with his lips. I moaned into the kiss, suddenly determined to take this as far as it would go. My shaky fingers made their way to the buttons of his shirt, trying to get this stupid shirt off of him.

"Let me." His fingers found mine, and he quickly worked on his shirt, removing it, and throwing it to the floor. While he was working on this, I took the time to kick off my black heels, and attempted to work on my dress, but was having a little bit of difficulty.

"Stop." His hands grabbed mine, restraining them from moving the dress any further. He expertly flipped me over so that I was on my stomach, his legs straddling my thighs. I felt his hands drag down my shoulders, touching every sliver of exposed skin, moving down the arch of my back before resting on my backside, his hands palming me through my dress. I moaned, pushing my ass into his hands, needing him to touch me more. His hands dragged back slowly to the zipper of my dress, unzipping the silk all the way, just a little past my ass. His hands ran all the way back up, holding the fabric apart as his lips found the skin of my back, kissing and licking. I leaned on my elbows, pulling myself up, sliding out from underneath him. I turned towards him on my knees, staring into his eyes as I let the dress fall from my shoulders, pulling it down to my knees. He took in my black lace La Perla underwear, before letting a grunt escape from his throat. Thanking the stars for this liquid courage, I reached behind me and unclasped my bra. His face immediately started spreading kisses all over my skin, licking and lapping at the gentle flesh of my nipples. My hands ventured to his belt buckle, undoing it while he took my left nipple between his teeth, his tongue flicking over it quickly. At this point, I couldn't even distinguish my moans from the music that was booming through the house, but the air was getting thin. I started working on his pants, feeling his hard dick straining against the fabric, quickly unzipping his pants, and pulling them down. I dragged my legs back, separating myself from his talented mouth.

His hands were holding on tightly to my hips, refusing to let me move. I kissed him frantically, my hands gripping his shoulders. It took all my strength to flip him onto his back, laying down on the bed. I straddled his thighs, running the trip of my tongue from the base of his throat all the way down to his boxers, all the while maintaining eye contact with him.

My thumbs hooked underneath the band of his boxers, yanking them down while he lifted his butt.

Jesus Christ.

Now, I may be a virgin. But I'd seen dicks before. And this one was glorious. And very large. And thick.

My eyes shifted from his dick to his eyes. He was staring at me with a satisfied smirk. I smirked back at him before reaching my tongue out and licking the head of his dick. He threw his head back, groaning. I let me tongue swirl around the slit of his dick before suddenly taking his entire dick into my mouth, my hands finding his balls.

I hadn't been with very many men, but I knew enough about sex to give what I'd been told was a fucking amazing blowjob. I let the pre-cum mix with my saliva, taking his dick all the way to the back of my throat

"Bella!" His cry only made me grow more confident as his fingers tangled themselves in my hair. My hands worked the rest of the shaft that I couldn't fit in my mouth and the other one massaged his balls, careful not to press down too hard.

I moaned against his dick, not being able to help myself from getting incredibly aroused. I felt my lace panties soaking up with my arousal. God, I wanted this so bad.

"Bella..." He kept moaning my name. I looked up at him, removing my mouth from his dick, leaving a small string of spit and cum from his dick to my mouth.

"Shit, baby, come here." His hands were on me quickly, kicking off the pants and boxers that hung at his ankles while his hands pulled down my panties. His hand went straight to my already soaking wet pussy, his fingers rubbing my clit. I crawled up to him, my pussy grinding against his hard dick.

"Edward, I need you." I whispered in his ear as I nibbled on his earlobe. The moans coming from my mouth were completely out of control at this point, and I was thankful that I had no neighbors.

"Are you on the pill, baby?" I was grinding up and down his length, panting, unable to calm my heart. I nodded my head, and he flipped us over, taking control and holding both my hands above my head. I spread my legs more around him, suddenly a little bit scared. He started kissing my neck again and he quickly thrust his dick into me, grunting. My entire body seized, and the pain was like nothing I'd ever felt before. I closed my eyes, trying to stop from crying. Shit shit shit. This really hurt. Oh my God.

Suddenly his hands gripped my face, making me open my eyes and look him in the eyes. His eyes were black.

"What the fuck wa-"

"If you stop right now, I'll fucking kill you!" I yelled at him, moving my hips, trying to get him to move a bit, despite the pain.

"Are you fuck-" Edward started, except I slapped him, cutting him off. I was in pain, and really trying to not voice it out loud, but this was really too much. If he didn't do something soon I would kill him. I really would.

I somehow flipped us over, finding strength to put him on his back. I sat up straight on him, moving my hips up and down on him, pumping his dick. The pain was still there, so I decided to reach my hand down, rubbing my clit, trying to get some enjoyment out of this. His hands eventually found my ass, pumping my cheeks, helping me fuck him. When I felt his touch on me, I made the mistake of looking at his face, he looked torn. It looked like someone had run over his puppy, and yet, like he just wanted to put me on my knees and smack me. Oh God, smacking.

I leaned down, moving my lips to his left nipple, pulling it between my teeth, biting down. Hopefully he'd get the message. What's a little blood? Get over it.

He growled when I bit down on him, flipping us over again, his mouth attaching itself to my tits, one of his hand reaching down and taking over for me, flicking my clit quickly. Suddenly the pain didn't even register with me and I was hell-bent on just cumming. My entire body started to shake as Edward's thrusts picked up momentum. At this point, I was way past the moans, and was whimpering, my body needing release so bad.

"Harder! Fuck me harder, Edward!" I managed to yell out, his grunts suddenly became louder, and his dick started jackhammering into me.

My hands gripped on his shoulders, digging my nails into his skin.

"Fuck Bella! Bella baby you're so tight... Cum on my dick, baby, you can do it. Arghhh!" He started growling, his eyes still on me, his dick twitching inside me, his pace unrelenting. I suddenly felt it: the wave that spread all through my body, ending in my toes. I threw my head back, trying to breathe. Edward continued to thrust, his cum filling me.

My spams throughout my body stopped, my chest heaving as Edward fell onto me, his face nestled between my tits, his dick still in me.

I wound my hands in his hair, both of us still panting.

I was suddenly so tired, my body unable to move. I tried to keep my eyes open, but my eyelids seemed unwilling to respond.


	4. Rien de rien

Every single muscle in my body was frozen in place, refusing to cooperate. My thoughts were speeding through my head, my heart was pounding all the way into my ears. I'm sure I was hungry, and that my stomach was throwing a fit, but at this point, remembering to breathe was my top priority. I could still taste the alcohol in my mouth, and glimpses of last night kept flashing before my eyes. I was acutely aware of the pain between my legs, I was sore and I now understood why people traditionally adopted a....gentler pace and method. I could hardly move. It was hard to think of a time when I'd felt like this previously. Not when my mother left. Not when my father once introduced me as his assistant.

What was really destroying me bit by bit was my sudden self-awareness. It wasn't the rejection....waking up alone. It wasn't because of the obvious amendment to the 'stay and cuddle after deflowering' protocol. It was because when all things were said and done... I only had myself to blame. I had put myself in this position, I had antagonized the situation. This was my problem, my mess.

The sun was setting my curtains ablaze, the white lace glowing. I was stuck in a light box. No where to go. No place to hide. Everyone would be watching my next move. This was a game of strategy, I would be judged on my decisions. But what I hated the most, and what I was markedly aware of... was that not a single part of me wanted to take the cautious move. The safe play. For the first time in my life, I was free to make my own choice... But I could not walk away in one piece... that wasn't even an option. I had lost my virginity, and had woken up alone. I wasn't disillusioned. I was aware that now, any interaction with the players would be forced, insincere, riddled with double entendres. Of course they would all know by now.

I never saw myself as being a complicated person. Or as a fickle little girl. I never acted like a brat, and I never begged for my daddy to fly me to Cancun for spring break. I have always been reclusive. Boxed into my own world. Protecting myself from all of the outside elements. Elements that were not controlled for me or by me.

Last night, I had made a choice. One that at this point in time, I knew I would regret.

One that I could not take back. Ever.

This was the worst thing that could ever happen to me... but we all knew it was coming. This, dear friends, was my own self-destruction. I could concede to everyone's expectations, and act like nothing is wrong. Like everything is fine and dandy. Or, I could act out and confront the problem head on.

Truth be told, all I want is to bask in my mistake. I want to sit in my corner and feel like shit. Feel like everything has been ripped apart, and all of my limbs, torn from my body.

Last night's events kept running through my head, and my mind was playing games with me, I kept feeling his fingers on my skin. I could feel him behind me, his breath on my neck as his lips touched my skin. I could feel his fingers ghosting soft touches down my back, tickling my spine. Every hair on my body was standing on edge, my heart speeding up. I knew he wasn't there. I knew that no one was. And if I was being honest with myself, I wasn't all too sure I wanted it to be him.

Mostly, I was completely overwhelmed by what my body had felt last night. The sensations had set me on fire and opened a door that I had kept locked all these years. And that scared me.

Everyone has their breaking point, and everyone has a sort of ebb and flow. And in mere hours, suddenly everything focused, and I saw the proverbial light.

I was a broken girl. I had never known the simple pleasures of childhood; watching television shows after school (Cello and violin lessons), going to my classmates' birthday parties (Weekends were usually spent traveling with my father to away games), summer camp (Daddy liked going to play golf in Florida, and Mommy enjoyed the south of France, and I was their personal suitcase puller).

I had never been hugged and loved by my parents, always second to a game or a new boyfriend. I had literally become this shell of a woman. If someone were to ask me my fondest childhood memory, I wouldn't be able to answer. Or if someone were to ask me what was the biggest fight that I had with my parents during my adolescence, I wouldn't be able to describe a single moment. I had never acted out, never argued. I was the perfect child, in the way that I did not exist to them. I was a doll that they dressed up and made up, and once they were through playing with me, they'd set me back on the shelf, and let some dust gather.

Who the fuck am I? I've spent the entirety of my life banking on escapism, and the hiding under the protective blanket of my father's success. I have nothing. I am no one without my family.

Bella Swan, daughter of Charlie.

Bella Swan, Renee's mistake.

Bella Swan, Edward Cullen's unfortunate, inexperienced, one time lover.

It was clear to me now. This turning point, coupled with the shattering of my spirit was exactly what I needed. This rock bottom would force me to discover who I am. Without anyone else. Without my father or my mother, or my grandfather's good name.

I would discover myself on my own terms.

I stood up slowly, picking up the white feather duvet, wrapping it around my body. It took me a moment or two to balance myself before dragging my feet to the washroom.

I filled the large white claw-foot tub with warm water, adding a handful of Epsom salts before dropping the duvet and climbing into the tub. I felt like a small child, scattering my limbs, trying to crawl into her parents' bed. The hot water made my skin sting a bit, and yet I couldn't even manage a wince.

I sunk down slowly into the bath, the water reaching just below my lower lip. I inhaled sharply before submerging my entire body under the water.

Everything was quiet down here.


	5. Turning coals to diamonds

**I thought about it till my head hurt**

**I thought about it but it only made things worse**

**So I was wrong**

**What could I do?**

**I knew all along**

**I'm a fool for you**

I have always thought that my mind operated with some sort of filter. A filter that would keep horrible ideas at bay.

But now, I could see that I was wrong.

The most normal thing to do when you're hurt, when you're lost, is to run.

So I ran.

I dropped out of University. I walked in first thing at 9 a.m. and dropped all of my courses for the fall session. The registrar's office was slow-moving as everyone was still on summer break; the lineup was long, filled with people who were waiting to devise payment plans, or drop out due to their lack of funds. My mind yelled at me for being so ungrateful, for throwing away what was so readily offered to me. But I stood in that line, and stuck with my plan. My fucking plan.

Being in school, studying art, being surrounded by books was my passion. It was the only thing that made sense in my life, and one of the only constants. To do this, to drop out... It was painful. It felt like I was leaving my oldest friend.

After leaving the University, I made my way over to Emmett's loft. Jasper was there with him, playing video games. Now, it was time for the ball to start rolling. It was time to start the goodbyes.

"Bella! I was going to call you yesterday, but I figured you were too hungover!" Jasper called out to me, the game on pause.

"Yeah. Something like that." I replied coldly. I had to stick to the plan.

"So, you and Cullen, eh? I expect to hear all the details from you right now before we see him tonight." Emmett knew how aware I was of change room etiquette... nothing was off limits. Secrets from teammates were forbidden in their tight brotherhood.

"Sorry, McCarthy. I have nothing to tell you." To anyone else, it would have sounded like I was just playing with them, joking around. But really, I was acting like a royal bitch. I knew it, and they knew it.

"Woah there, hunny!" Jasper started, dropping the game console remote, and lifting his hands up in defense, "Emmett was just inquiring about the remainder of your night!" I tried to remind myself that he was merely defending his dear friend.

"Listen boys, I just came by to tell you that I'll be going to see the practice this afternoon, and to tell you both that I appreciate your friendship." I was clinical. I was trying to remove the bandaid as quickly as possible.

"Uhm... okay there, Bells. We love you too?" Emmett looked at me as though I had a second head sprouting out from my neck.

"Right. See you later." I turned on my heels, grabbing on to the door handle, and yanking the thick steel door open. I only allowed myself to breathe once I was in the hallway, leaning against the wall, trying to keep the tears from falling.

I shook my head quickly. _This is what needs to be done. This is what's right._ I reminded myself. I was chanting this mantra through my mind as I walked towards the bank down on 42nd street.

My eyes were filled with tears, threatening to fall down my cheeks, mere seconds away from smudging my fucking mascara. It hurt to do this, and as much as I wanted to act as though none of this affected me, as though I truly did not care about any of this; this separation was rubbing my heart raw. A large part of me understood that this reaction of mine was brash and incredibly exaggerated... But I knew that if I didn't break now, it would only get worse down the road. It would only tear me apart even more.

The truth was that I was never a level-headed girl, that, I knew about myself. A fault, yes, but me, nonetheless. However analytical I was in my studies, it never quite translated into the rest of my life. I could look at a painting and see exactly what was wrong with it, I could read it and see its meaning, I could tell you exactly what it was that the painter was thinking when he was painting it, I could tell you exactly what the painter _meant_ for you to see. But I couldn't read my life. I couldn't tell you why I did most things, I couldn't even properly tell you what I felt like most days. I had no outlet, no way to express how I felt.

Once I stepped foot into the bank, my mind was made up. I waited for the clerk to alert our family banker of my presence. They offered me a glass of wine, coffee, tea, anything. I shook my head dismissively. I was here for one reason, and one reason alone. Mr. Farrell didn't make me wait long, quickly ushering me into his office.

"I want to close all accounts in my name. Or, take my name off them." My voice was strong, direct and confident. Mr. Farrell looked at me as though I had two heads. As though I had told him that I was moving to Mars and wanted to leave my fortune to my pet goldfish.

"Miss Swan, surely you don't-"

", my decision is made. All joint accounts with my father's estate are to become solely his. I want to start a new account with you here today." I cut him off before he could even attempt to talk me out of this.

"And what of your inheritance?" He asked, not looking at me but his computer screen, obviously pulling up my file.

"What inheritance?" I had no clue what he was talking about.

"Well, your grandfather left you a sizable inheritance. It's in an account registered to your name. Not your father's." He explained, turning the screen towards me.

_Holy shit. _That was... A lot of money.

"Uhm. Invest it. I don't care in what. Stocks. Bonds. Anything." I wouldn't use it, but I wasn't stupid enough to let it sit there and gain hardly any interest.

And so I left the bank, with ten grand in a savings account. My own account. My inheritance was to be invested in some fancy portfolio, but I wouldn't touch it. It wasn't really my money.

I made my way to the hockey rink. The practice would begin any minute, and my father had expected me to be there. As always. Today was 'team etiquette' day, and I was the one who usually delivered the speech. My father felt that the team saw me as a sister-figure, and they'd be hard-pressed to disappoint their little sister.

I made my way into the building, the security guards greeting me warmly. Walking towards the ice, brushing past agents and managers. My father was there, dressed in a ridiculous sport suit, the guys all in sweat pants and t-shirts, sweatshirts lining the bench. Everyone looked at me and smiled as I walked towards them; I was trying my hardest not to look at them... At him. I could see the bronze top out of the corner of my eyes, and willed myself to keep away from that general area.

"Ah, Bella. Finally." My father was making it sound as though he had not just finished working the boys, and they had all been waiting for me for a long period of time.

"Sorry I'm late, I had business to take care of." I spoke clearly, avoiding his gaze. I walked towards the bench, sitting down to remove my heels before jumping up on the board, and crossing my legs.

"Boys. Most of you have heard this before, but a reminder is always good. For those of you new to the team, welcome. Now... Why is this little girl talking to you? What the hell could I possibly have to offer you all? What good is my advice? I'm sure you all know how to throw superb frat parties already." The boys laughed at my self-denigration.

"The thing is, guys, I've been in this world longer than all of you have been. And sadly, the hockey world isn't strictly about playing the game and going home. It's politics, it's a family, and it's dangerous." The tone suddenly changed and now all the boys shifted awkwardly on this skates, looking down at the ice. Looking everywhere but at me.

"First and foremost, there's the image. I'm sure I don't have to tell you _why_ you need to be careful. Being caught with a couple hookers will get you into hot water, legally, and may very well get you fired. But that you all know, right?" I asked them, a few of them nodding their heads solemnly, while Emmett tried to hide a grin. The oaf.

"But what's most important is who you interact with. You are all making very big money. You are all now some of the most important men of New York City. Now, whether you have a girlfriend of a wife, you're all the most desirable men in the city." Many of them smiled at them, some smirked, and the rare few frowned.

"I'm sure you've all been exposed to women by now. Rookie camp does has it's reputation, after all. But this is it, guys. These women will use you and spit you out. You are all nothing but a meal ticket. And those of you who are married... Again, think of your image. I have no idea, nor do I want to have an idea of what your personal lives are like. You may be unhappy, or always fighting, but to the rest of the world, a cheating husband is a cheating husband. And a cheating husband is a shitty dad." With that remark, I stared pointedly at Charlie. It had been my intention to make him squirm, but he didn't even flinch.

"So, as a general rule, no puck bunnies. I'm serious guys, they'll ruin you." I felt like the entire team was holding in a groan of dissatisfaction, but I ignored it.

"And be careful. People will approach you, talking about endorsement deals, trainers, all that shit. There's a reason why we have a team of trainers and massage therapists for you guys. There's a reason why you have managers and agents. Don't listen to these charlatans. Got it?" The boys mumbled out a mixture of "Yes ma'am"s and "Mhmm"s. And then, I made the mistake of looking at Edward-Fucking-Cullen. He was smirking at me, his eyes smoldering. I needed out of here.

I unceremoniously twisted my body off the board, grabbing my heels before making a quick job of sliding my feet back into them. I began walked towards the door opening to the change-room access. I heard Charlie dismiss the boys, and picked up my pace.

Shit. There was a rock in my shoe. I stopped in the hall, leaning against the wall, attempting to balance myself as I slid off my heel and tried to shake out that fucking rock.

The boys and my father pilled out beside me, paying no attention to me, making their way to the showers. I slipped my heel back on once they had all retreated down the hallway, and straightened my back, only to feel two hands grip me by the waist. I was assaulted by the smell... The smell of cold sweat, one that had comforted me for years, as disturbing as that sounds. I suddenly felt someone's warm breath tickling my ear and neck.

"Mmm... beautiful." His voice made my knees want to buckle. His grip on his waist tightened, pulling my body towards him. Suddenly, it was too much. Flashbacks assaulted my mind, and I remembered just who the fuck he was. I wrenched my body out of his grip, turning on my heels quickly. His face was a mere inches away from mine. He was smirking slyly at me, cocking an eyebrow suggestively.

"Hi." His voice was throaty and raspy, and were I not so entirely revolted by him, I would have, undoubtedly, been salivating for him.

"Hi." I mumbled back, smiling at him. He made another move to reach for me again, but I was quick.

My hand hit his face with a resounding smack. I felt a sting on my palm, but it barely registered in my mind, as I turned, walking impossibly fast down the rest of the hallway.

"Isabella, wait!" I heard him call to me, but I wouldn't stop. I couldn't stop.

This ended now.

I somehow made my way home. I kicked off my shoes violently, and ran towards my bedroom, avoiding my bed at all costs.

I ran into the bathroom and jumped into the shower, turning the hot water on, fully clothed. The sudden need to remove every trace of him from my body was overpowering.

I rested my forehead against the tiled wall, the water pouring down my face. I took a deep breath in before I allowed the tears to flow...

I would get as far from him as I could.

I would get as far from them as I could.


	6. I met a man with a drink in his hand

**Then we danced, we danced, he whispered**  
** 'Baby, I need you now' **  
** 'Let me take you away' oooooooooh 'I wanna be yo' man'**  
** I looked in his eyes and I saw it, yes I saw it, **  
** the reflection of my wedding band **

** I was almost, almost, almost persuaded**  
** to lay my ol' consience right on the side**  
** I was almost, almost, almost persuaded**

This morning was... difficult. During the night, I had received about 10 frantic phone calls from my very angry father- he had found out about school- and I had 10 angry voicemail messages informing me that if I didn't get my shit together, well, I'd have to take my shit somewhere else, and I almost did. I planned to... but sometimes, plans change.

"Open the door!"

The pounding was getting worse, and I was a heartbeat away from calling the building management and getting the moron at the front desk fired for letting him up.

I swung the door open, ready to beat the man standing there to a bloody fucking pulp. Which was irrational and would never happen, obviously, but my God, did I fantasize about busting his lip open...

"Isabella, thank you lord!"

A drunk Edward Cullen threw his arms around me, hugging me tightly. The smell of alcohol before my morning coffee had me gagging.

"Jesus fucking Christ you smell like a fucking bar! Get off me!" I attempted to wiggle myself out of his grasp, but... hockey player, remember?

"Oh Isabella, you smell so good, baby, you're so warm and soft. Mmmmm..." He nuzzled his face into my hair and I patted his back a bit, trying to get him to back off.

"How about some coffee, Cullen?" I hated myself for even suggesting it.

"Marry me."

"Coffee it is!" I twisted my body out of his arms and walked towards the kitchen, fully aware that his drunk ass was stumbling right behind me.

"I'm serious. Marry me. Piss daddy off. Make me happy. Marry me." He was speaking slowly, trying not to slur.

"You know, Cullen, this is quite the proposal! Do you treat all women this way? Is that why you're such a ladies man?" I rolled my eyes as I brewed the coffee, not having the patience to deal with this shit.

"I heard what you did."

I wiped my head around to stare at him.

"What the fuck do you mean, what I did?"

"Your father came to my place last night and threatened to have me kicked off the team and killed. He knows we fucked, and he thinks I'm the reason you dropped out of school. Is he right?" He obviously seemed to be sobering up.

"I don't need to explain myself to anyone- especially not you!" I pulled the mug away from the coffee machine, and slammed it down in front of him, "Drink this, Cullen, and then we can talk." I turned away quickly, not waiting to see his reaction, and bolted up the stairs to my bedroom, suddenly very aware that I was only wearing a robe. I pulled on some jeans and a tank top, all the while attempting to control my breathing.

"You know, you have this habit of getting naked in front of me. I like it!"

"How long have you been standing there, you fucking pervert?" This boy truly had no concept of boundaries. Then again, he had been drinking... At eight in the morning.

"Isabella, I would give my left nut to see you naked every single second of every day... and I'm pretty attached to the little guy, I gotta say!" I groaned at his words, and entertained kneeing him right in the 'little guys'.

"Why are you here, Edward?"

"Did you quit school because of me?"

"You are so full of yourself, it's not even funny." I walked backwards to my unmade bed, throwing myself onto it, and resting my arm over my eyes. I felt the bed shift beside me, and then felt Edward's arm wrap around my waist as he pulled himself closer to me, nuzzling my neck. His lips attached themselves to my skin, softly kissing my neck up and down.

"I didn't want to leave in the morning." His warm breath tickled my skin and send shivers down my spine.

"Then why did you?" This was not where I had expected this to go...

"Because you didn't tell me."

"What didn't I tell you?"

"That you were a virgin."

"I thought most guys got off on that?"

"If I had known, I wouldn't have fucked you."

"Ouch..." That hurt. He's drunk, sure, but... ouch.

"Not like that, Isabella... I wouldn't have fucked you like that. I wouldn't have taken that from you like that... I would have made love to you." His arm lifted from my waist, and pulled my arm off my eyes, turning my body towards him. Then he crashed his lips against mine. He tastes like scotch, and cinnamon and I was powerless to stop him. A deep moan escaped from him, breaking me out of the trance. I pulled my lips away from him, my eyes searching his, as my hand tangled in his hair.

"Yes."

"Yes?"

"You have something to do with me leaving school..."

"Why?" His eyebrows furrowed.

"Because you leaving in the morning hurt me, and I thought... I thought that maybe, I don't know, you were like all of the other guys out there, that maybe if I got away from it all, maybe... maybe I'd be happier?" I fumbled my way through an explanation, not knowing how to summarize how I felt without coming off as a psycho.

"You're not happy?" His hand reached up and brushed a my hair behind my ear.

"I just... Maybe if I go out and do something... by myself, he'll finally be proud." I didn't need to explain more than that.

His green eyes searched my face for a moment.

"Move in with me."

"Okay."

"Really?" His eyebrows shot up in surprise.

"Yes." His beautiful green eyes sparkled as I laid a soft his on lips...

"I'm gonna barf!"

And that was that. The next hour was spent rubbing his back as he threw up in my washroom, getting puke all over my beautiful carrera marble tiles, and making me question my sanity.

Eventually, he stopped throwing up, and we crawled into my bed, wrapped around one another.

Just as my eyes were closing, his lips kissed my temple...

"I'll make it right, Bella..."

* * *

**Sorry this took more than a year. **

**I was actually finishing the story so that I could get it published.**

**Just kidding.**

**I wrote this chapter 12 times. With 12 different outcomes, and most of them were really awful.**

**I wonder if anyone is still reading this?**


	7. I'm sorry

**I apologize. I know that many of you want an update, but I'm stuck. I promise I will finish Puck Bunny. **

**For the moment, so that you don't lose faith in me, I've uploaded a new story, In the Shallows. It'll be uploaded in its entirety either tonight or tomorrow.**

**It's short, I know. But it's kind of where my heart and head are at the moment. I'm putting the first chapter here for the moment, at least until I can post the next chapter of Puck Bunny.  
**

**I didn't even copy paste it! I wrote it out with my **_**Eidetic memory.**_

**Lovingly, Porcia.**_**  
**_

I grab the bar above my head; holding on as the subway train makes its way through the complicated, twisted tunnels. The man beside me is wearing _his_ cologne. Suddenly, I am seventeen years old again, my heart beats a bit quicker. After ten years, you'd think I would be used to it. After two years, you'd think I would have reversed the Pavlovian response I have to the smell. To the smell of _him_.

The train jerks to a stop, and I suddenly remember that it's my stop. I rush out past the closing doors, barely making it onto the platform. Self-consciously, I pat down my pea coat and adjust my leather camera bag, throwing a cursory glance around to make sure no one witnessed my near-miss.

By the time I reach the surface, my face is hot; the escalators aren't working this evening. The cold air hits my skin, I take a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves. I take a deep breath, my lungs burn. I make my way down the sidewalk quickly- the sooner I get inside, the sooner I can have a drink and pretend that everything is fine.

Just thinking about the apartment squeezes my heart. My eyes sting, and I'm suddenly not sure if it's from the cold air or the tears.

There is a couple walking in front of me. Their hands intertwined, intense glances pass between them. Her dress is short, her legs are bare. She is crazy for dressing like that in the winter. But he seems to love it- his hand snakes down to her ass, rubbing. I'm not sure whether the bile in my throat is due to revulsion or envy. It's been two years, after all.

The steps to the building have been cleared of snow, and the salt crunches underneath my boots. Lined combat boots... Not feminine at all, he would always say. I always thought it was a complement- he liked me different, he liked me quirky- but now I'm more inclined to think that it was a critique. Maybe if I wore some of those fancy, expensive leather contraptions that _everyone else_ wears he'd... Maybe if I could just have... No. No.

My boots hit the steps of the old wooden staircase one at a time. I very well may be taking my time. Huh, curious! I'd never noticed that the walls were robin's egg blue before.

Too soon, I'm at the landing._ The _landing. I'm at the door. _The _door. A deep breath. A very deep breath. I dig around my coat pockets for my key. Insert, twist, push.

I look around, making sure there's no sign of _him_. I put my bag onto the counter in the entrance hall, pulling out the Compact Flash card from my camera. No use in sitting, twiddling my thumbs, waiting.

A mug of jasmine tea, my computer. I'm uploading all the pictures I've taken today, praying that at least one shot will be to my liking- there's only a month left before my next exhibition. The mug is halfway to my lips when a buzz breaks through the air. _Him_.

I'm standing at the door, my ear pressed up against the wood. I swear, I can almost hear _his_ breath.

My fingers find the latch, and it begins...


End file.
